


saudade

by hidefromeveryone



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Biphobia, Depression, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Neurodivergency, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Child Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts, The Author Regrets Everything, The Author Regrets Nothing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-15
Updated: 2017-02-10
Packaged: 2018-08-09 00:26:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7779568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hidefromeveryone/pseuds/hidefromeveryone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was raining the day they first met. </p><p>Saudade: a deep emotional state of nostalgic or profound melancholic longing for an absent something or someone that one loves. Moreover, it carries a repressed knowledge that the object of longing might never return. It can be described as an emptiness, like someone or something that should be there in a particular moment is missing, and the individual feels this absence. It brings sad and happy feelings altogether, sadness for missing and happiness for having experienced the feeling.</p><p>DISCONTINUED</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. with shortness of breath, you explained the infinite

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry for the long absence. I fell into a really bad place this past month, but I think things are starting to look at least a bit better again. I hope you all like this! I'm trying something a bit different. It's my goal to update regularly. Please leave any comments, questions, etc. below! Thank you so much <3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They meet.

It was raining the day they first met. 

School had finished two hours earlier with a promise of Halloween parties, pranks, and sweet treats on the lips of every disadvantaged teenager. The leaves swirled on the ground as trees shook viciously as the thought of their death loomed ever closer with each passing day. Soft explosions rocked the ground as the liquid found itself coating every surface with a slick layer of broken promises. 

Basketball season was not due to start for another month, yet a boy was gliding around the court as if a higher power was guiding his movements. The ball materialised in his hands after each shot was made successfully from mid court, free throw, baseline. Dozens of baskets captivated every inch of his attention as his cocoa hair grew wet and heavy against his forehead. 

Off to the side, under the bleachers, sat another boy, staring at an empty box that once held the cigarettes now turned into butts around his feet. The dying embers glowed like lava in the dim light, casting an orange glow upon the teen’s face as he bit his lip and drummed an absent beat with his free hand onto his knees. Fading pink hair served a purpose of hiding the brown roots beneath connected to a time better left forgotten. 

Bouncing along the cracked concrete in order to create a melody, the basketball then rolled under the dipped curve of metal until it bumped unceremoniously into the boy curled up beneath the steps. 

Straining the fabric adorning his shoulder downwards, the teen put out the cigarette. His slight wince disappeared into the rain as he jumped to his feet and grabbed the ball before it could disappear into the forest. Emerging from the shelter, he squinted his eyes until he noticed the boy with a rubber band on his wrist and arms thrown across his eyes lying down on the wet court. 

Soft footsteps stopped next the prone figure as the troublesome object was deposited beneath the beat-up Nike sneakers of the aspiring athlete. Hovering with indecision, it wasn’t long before the pink locks fell into a puddle and lips were turned towards the ears of the unresponsive stranger. 

“Been out here a while?” A pause. 

“Yeah.”

“You’re good.” A look of disbelief hovered over the features of a face still half-covered. “Honest.”

“It’s mediocre.” Heavy sighs weighed down by the rain fell into the space between them. “Five hundred baskets a day hasn’t helped me much.”

“More than I could ever do.” A scoff as the arms finally fell limp by his sides and swimming chocolate eyes flicked over to take in the appearance of the mysterious stranger.

“Doing a lot of something doesn’t make it have purpose. It’s empty, without meaning. A single action fueled by true purpose is worth more than empty motions.”

“Quite true, Aristotle.” A heavy lull settles between the two until a cough breaks forth from the stained lungs of the teen with hair now dull pink and stained with dirt. He stirs as the next phrase escapes his mouth. “Perhaps the absence of action sometimes has the most meaning of all.” 

“Whatever you say, Plato.” With that, the boy sent the basketball hurtling towards his face where it was caught between calloused hands. Clambering to his feet, he offered a hand to the teen beside him whose worn-out soles were slipping on the wet surface. Once they were both upright, he looked deep into the eyes which almost mirrored his own. Twirling the ball on paper fingers, he looked to the ground as he broke the sound of the storm surrounding them. 

“I’m Tyler.” A crooked smile emerged on the face of the bubble-gum pink teen, his face crinkling around the eyes. 

“Josh.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter title was taken from the song "Saturn" by Sleeping at Last. 
> 
> tumblr: @hidefromeveryone


	2. i don't have to exist outside this place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They connect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The universe is amazing.

Electric purple hair seemed to shock the wall of the gym as Josh leaned against the fading paint of the cinder blocks. A second-hand suit of mismatched hues of black fell in waves over the awkward edges of the body he never quite liked. Wringing his hands together from a lack of other distractions, his mocha eyes flicked nervously around the Homecoming scene of broken heels and failing decorations that attempted to ensure the teens that their party meant something. 

The music of the Top 40 intoxicated the air until he couldn’t breathe, the mismatched harmonized beats pounding into his skull. It was all a reminder of his self-imposed isolation in the years leading up to the chance meeting of the boy following dreams made by another man. Disco lights blinded him as another girl tripped past, gripping tightly onto the arm of someone who would break her until she was left shattered like the dead flowers trapped under the frost come winter. 

His tie seemed all too suddenly like a noose made of silk and expectations, and stumbling fingers ripped it from his throat until it hung limply around his neck like a necklace of pearls his mother had once owned. Bits of midnight grey eyeliner fell into the lines creating ravines under his eyes as the heels of his hands slammed into his eye sockets. See no evil, hear no evil. Right? 

“Josh!” 

With a snap hidden in the bass shaking the world around him, Josh found Tyler standing in front of him, a sleek black suit tailored to his curves and a bow tie made of crimson satin cradling his neck. Crystal white teeth were smiling back at him as he was pulled onto the dance floor. The click of electronic keys signaled the change of songs as Tyler began jumping, flailing, twisting, shaking into a form of dance created to capture the intensity of his energy. 

Arms wrapped tightly around his torso, Josh hid his shaking hands and shuffled his feet to the beat in an attempt to appease his best friend. Tyler bounced in a circle around him and shouted words lost in the lyrical monstrosities of the music blasting all around them. The sudden introduction of hands on his back, his neck, his hips, his waist left Josh startled as Tyler shackled his grip around Josh’s wrists and began to swing him in a circle. The motion of the teens created a whirlpool, sucking in lazy afternoons and late-night promises before collapsing in on an unlikely friendship between a Christian boy raised to obey and an agnostic teen resigned to rebellion. 

Before long the night found them rushing towards the river nestled inside a forest on the outskirts of living, where the midnight hour reflected the desires of the dead in the whistling, murky water. The water met their feet as they sprinted across, Tyler hastily climbing into the tree house long abandoned by children from another era. Josh created footholds in the rough bark of the tree that scratched his hands and stained the rings of time with his blood. 

Holes in the decaying roof aligned with breaks in the canopy of the tree and the two lay in the crevices of the wooden planks, Tyler’s legs draped over Josh’s lap and Josh’s head laying still in the crook of Tyler’s right elbow. Silver stars echoed in the night sky painted with the colors of pink and purple, perhaps a bit of yellow. The universe surrounded them and reminded them of their insignificance in the grand scheme of the cosmos. 

“You know what’s funny, Josh?” A shift of body heat as Tyler pushed his torso off the floor of the hideaway, balancing on the tips of his elbows. 

“What?”

“That out of the void of time, it just so happens that both of us happen to be in the same era in the same place at the same age when we both needed someone the most. It’s almost like the universe decided to cut us a break.” With that, a small chuckle emerged from Tyler’s cooling lips, an afterthought of philosophies too large to tackle.

“It’s almost like it knew I was searching for a purpose. I’m nothing without you - I don’t make any sort of difference.” Concern, worry, deep unspeakable sadness fell into the creases of Tyler’s countenance as he sought through the atmosphere to meet Josh’s gaze. But mocha irises made of coffee with just a bit too much cream remained trained on the rough callouses of Josh’s hands born of drumming and fighting in alleys of shattered hope. 

“You make me feel like I can change the whole damn world because you do it every day of your life, Tyler. You don’t let other people decide how you live. You’re free.” Melancholy folded itself into Josh’s features as he buried his face into the empty valley of Tyler’s chest. Empty sobs wracked the length of his body as Josh’s cheeks became coated by a liquid dense with immeasurable sorrow and low self-esteem. Twisting in rapid circles of indecision, Tyler wove his limbs around Josh in an all-encompassing hug which warmed Josh’s bones with the fire of companionship. It wasn’t until the air was filled with the sniffles of a lost boy and the screams of the frogs that Josh was hit with the realization that Tyler had been crying a waterfall alongside him. 

“I’m going to quit basketball, Josh. Because you’re right, it’s not me.” Josh stiffened into a board in his grip, becoming a statue left in a museum of teenage memories full of forgotten dreams and reveries. Was it fear? Uncertainty? Guilt? Denial? Disbelief? Anger? 

“It doesn’t make me happy. Basketball simply amplifies the darkness that threatens to drown me throughout the day, chokes me at night. And, well, it’s stupid but I’ve been writing lyrics in this battered notebook from middle school. I want to try to make songs. Music communicates everything I want the world to know about itself as well as myself. It does what words can’t - captures the cadences of emotion that invade the soul.” All of the nerves in Josh’s body exploded into shattered fragments which flew into the galaxy above as the teen was left with a numbing energy jumping out of every pore and taking over his vision with ambition. Sliding back into the aging cracks of the alder, Josh brushed his fingers full of green wonder over Tyler’s clenched fists full of misspoken intents. 

“Music is all I want to do with my life. It makes things okay for a while. And if things are okay, I might be happy. I need it to help me believe I can be okay, Tyler.” Josh worried his lip between his teeth, shredding the thin flesh into tiny particles that joined the air alongside the drops of crimson that streamed down his chin and stained his polar white sweater from a forgotten country. 

“You make me believe I can be okay, Tyler.” Silence filled the broken building as the structure creaked with the weight of two lives too young to be filled with this much hypocritical pessimism. 

“You make me okay, Josh.” Hands slick with the sweat of nervous confessions in a sinner’s home found each other and carefully wove their fingers together until Josh’s hand went numb with anxiety and Tyler’s with sobriety. 

“Can I sing to you something I wrote yesterday when I was at your house? You were downstairs trying to cook an edible monstrosity for me.” The air hummed with the rhythm of a thousand hymns as the full moon shone down on the two boys lost in a feeling of comfort yet to be defined as home. 

“Please.” Hushed breathing faded in the background of consciousness as Tyler shifted so his lips rested on Josh’s right ear, bumping his midnight blue gauge brand new yet aged. 

[Chords fractured by melodies filled the atmosphere as Tyler’s voice, dripping with sweet sincerity, painted the night sky with a picture of hope clouded by heresy.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5PKGGfQdulY) Finishing his hasty composition, the beam of Tyler’s impossibly large smile found its home on Josh’s quirked lips and crinkled eye corners made of pure contentment and perhaps even a bit of happiness. 

 

[](http://groupthink.jezebel.com/tom-hiddleston-gif-off-1574630660%E2%80%9D>Vampire%20Tom%20Hiddleston%20eating%20a%20blood%20popsicle%20omg,%20my%20brain%20is%20gonna%20explode</a>)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter title was taken from the song "Stars" by The xx.
> 
> tumblr: @hidefromeveryone


	3. i'm not one of those who can easily hide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They learn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3

Teal locks blended cautiously with the maroon graduation robes as caps rocketed into the sky in time with the screams of a generation cursed by destinies full of poverty and fallacies. High school was officially over for a few hundred teens with lives falling apart at the seams due to abandoned plans and fall-back schemes. Falling faster, harder, bitter into adulthood clouded all senses real and imagined as the squares of fabric slammed into the bitter concrete stained with glitter and acrid sweat. 

Josh’s bruised knuckles swept cautiously over the cord of the nearest cap, dragging it into his blurred vision. Flashes of a pink car and crackling grass fading into a dry summer flooded his vision and his neck snapped upwards, scanning the bursting auditorium for Tyler. Spotting the teen, Josh wove between the stagnant bodies at a pace which twisted the light of the room into shattered fragments of colors yet classified. It wasn’t long before Josh was launching himself into the waiting arms of his best friend reminiscent of inside jokes and summer recklessness. 

“We did it, Josh.” The muffled affirmation filled Josh’s ears as Tyler slapped his cap abundant with drum kits and cats atop his ruffled, freshly dyed strands. Returning the favor, Tyler became adorned with the cover art of his solo album as Josh placed the cap atop his buzzing, fluffy, chocolate brown locks . Previous events had found the teen bleeding out his heart in a studio empty besides cans of caffeine, Mexican delicacies, and a young man with teal hair whose smile spurred creativity.

Setting out into the sunset made of ocean mishaps and blushing brides, the dull pink of Tyler’s car found itself fading into the growing shadows of the night. It wasn’t long before the rusted jerking of the vehicle groaned to a stop in the parking lot of their hometown Taco Bell. Clambering limbs exited the metal can and stumbled into the restaurant while shedding cocoons of responsibility incompatible with their lives of unpredictability. 

The moon became golden in the sky as the sun cast its last rays of hope into the world. Night overtook the outside world as fluorescent lights hummed and crackled overhead, occasionally flickering out of existence and taking their yellow-toned glow away from the young adults inhaling beef and cheese. It was only after crumpled paper balls made of grease and disease lay littered around the checkerboard table that the conversation turned away from internet idiocy and fanboy fantasies. 

“Hey, Josh.” The statement was arranged with a heavy dosage of anxiety and hesitancy. Josh’s hum of attention caught and dissipated in his dry, churning lungs as he locked onto Tyler’s chocolate eyes brimming with crimson sorrows and hushed regrets. Breaching the surface of his bottom lip with the daggers of his incisors, Josh hummed to Tyler to continue as he desperately searched for Tyler’s hands beneath the slate of plastic holding their baggage. Fingers intertwined, strangling circulation into nonexistence as Tyler emitted a sigh full of smoke and mirrors before continuing. 

“I can’t believe I made it this far. Graduating high school, turning eighteen, publishing an album - everything. My life seemed like it had expired years ago, when things were bad. I...I didn’t expect myself to live this long. If things had gone according to plan, I wouldn’t be alive right now.” Atoms split as the force which propelled Josh towards Tyler knocked the edge of the table and sent it whirling with the sudden proclamation of damnation. Shaking arms encircled Tyler’s rigid torso, incoherent mumbles rising and falling with crashing waves from the perpetually chapped lips Josh never let quite fully heal. 

“Fuck, Tyler. Fuck. You’re alive. Shit, you’re alive. I’m so glad you’re alive.” Octane whispers faded into oblivion as cotton fibers and metallic paint provided a barrier between the two. Tyler absentmindedly urged his limbs into robotic action, reciprocating the desperate actions with a calm known by the likes of children crunching lollipops and Xanax overdoses.

“I wish I could go back in time, to the day I turned thirteen. To let myself know not to try to kill myself that night. Or the four times dispersed afterwards. Just to give myself hope that things would get better. I mean, sure, I still want to die at times. The voices never stop. My mind is constantly running with self-deprecations and anxiety. But, it is better. It got better. God, I always hated it when people told me it gets better. But it does, and that’s something I wish I had known five years ago. Maybe then I wouldn’t have torn myself apart so badly believing things would never change.” Silence stretched into the infinities found in the seconds of time between the constricting of lungs, beating of hearts, blinking of eyes. A crack of vocal adrenaline sliced through the melancholic tension of the air as a soft voice rendered inaudible by the universe began releasing secrets untold to the ages. 

“I wish I could go back in time too. To let my twelve-year-old self know that my parents saying they would always love me was a damn two-faced lie. Because then I wouldn’t have run home from school that spring afternoon with a grin on my face as I told them that I was bisexual. I...I was so happy. It all made sense, everything I’d felt my whole life. Then, I wouldn’t have come home every fucking day to my dad breathing down my neck and beating my body until every inch was destroyed as I told him again and again that I was and always will be who I am. It’s not going to change. There’s nothing wrong with me, contrary to what my mother believes. I wish I had known then that not everyone believes that love is simply love. Perhaps I would’ve left then, before hell found me.” Passion flooded Tyler’s veins as the grip surrounding Josh’s torso tightened, locked, clinged onto a vessel breathing fire and exhaling desires. 

“I’m so glad you’re safe, Josh.” Extracting their bodies proved similar to exterminating vines of ivy which slide into the cracks in the sleeping consciousness of every being. Their bodies hovering inches apart, a small ravine of discarded memories, Josh’s mocha eyes flicked upwards with the nimble grace of a fairy to meet Tyler’s unwavering sunrise gazing into his irises. Murmured affirmations passed by a stray pigeon communicated consent related to unbreakable vows as Josh leaned delicately in to place his lips on Tyler’s. 

It was sweet dandelions forming crowns, sun-kissed skin on a rainy day, hot chocolate in a winter storm. It was unspoken conversations, finishing another’s sentences, favorite colors on a silicone palette. It was laughing so hard your chest burst, smiles that cracked your cheekbones in half, dancing with reckless abandon to a song known by heart. It was dripping hair dye, crumpled lyric sheets, Red Bulls, and tacos. It was everything a first kiss should be. 

“We should start a band, Josh.” The exhalation of ambition clouded Josh’s vision as night skies full of wishes assaulted their senses.

“Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter title was taken from the song "Your Song" by Ellie Goulding. 
> 
> tumblr: @hidefromeveryone 
> 
> it will be a few days until another update. i'm so sorry.


	4. update

hi everyone. i'm so sorry it has been a month and a half since i last did anything with this. i know the last you heard from me was that another update would come in a few days. and i'm really sorry, but i'm putting this fic on hiatus for now. at some point in the future i will pick this back up, so it is not becoming abandoned. i simply feel i cannot write this right now. 

this is meant to be something happy. and if i try to write for this right now, that's not how it will turn out to be. i started this when for a few days in august i felt a little better, but i'm not in that place anymore so i can't access the positivity this story needs to be written. 

i'm not doing well right now, and if i'm being completely honest, this isn't anything new. what is new is that people are trying to help me. i don't think it's going to work, but i'm glad they're trying. because years of suicidal thoughts and actions and attempts coupled with my depression and anxiety and everything else has left me very very tired. 

so i'm very sorry, but i cannot write this story at the moment. at some point in the future, i hope to be doing well enough to write this again. 

as a side note, the series i began (which only has too dull of a knife in it rn) is also on hiatus. i will pick it up at some point in the future as well. 

i'll be posting bits and pieces of shit here and there if i get inspired to write something. i'm sorry, but i just want to die and don't have much motivation for anything right now. 

once again, i'm so sorry. hopefully it won't be too long until i can begin to update this again.


	5. Chapter 5

hey. maybe an update soon. i don't know. i'm trying. i'm sorry.


End file.
